I'm sick of cold soggy golf! It’s time for spring!by J.W. Miller on 03/04/19
Today’s screed will be worth exactly what you are paying to read it. The reason? Because it’s all about poor, poor, pitiful me, who is sitting inside my warm little Gulf Coast cottage while that beautiful, beckoning golf course outside my window is being whipped by yet another unseasonably glacial gale. (Try saying that three times in a row!) Presently, the temperature is 40, the wind chill is 32 and I am sitting here wondering why in the first week of March, I can't be where I want to be! Out there, flailing away with a hickory switch!
I know I'm not getting much sympathy from folks further north. My poor brother in Louisville is experiencing another 20-degree day with more snow on the way, and it's worse in other places. But I'm not in other places. I'm in the sunny South, which is sunny and South but that's about it.
Oh, I could Eskimo up and waddle to my cart in a thermal body suit, which is like bundling myself in six down comforters. But try swinging a golf club from inside six down comforters. And even if I chose to do so, we’ve had so much rain this winter that the two courses in my community have restricted golfers to the cart path almost weekly since Thanksgiving. Restricting carts to the cart path really cuts down on the fun and camaraderie of like-minded souls. I play with a senior group, many of whom choose not to walk all over the course to retrieve their ball. They’ve been forced to shut it down for much of the winter.
Oh, the humanity!
No doubt, many golfers tougher than I will ride past today in their tented carts and battery-operated heaters and pretend to be comfortable. I’m the only guy in my group that does not have retractable side panels to protect against wind, rain or cold. It’s not because I’m stubborn. Cheap maybe, but not stubborn. No, my attitude regarding plexiglas drapes on my golf cart is simple: If it’s so cold, windy or wet that I need protection inside my cart, then it’s too cold, windy or wet to play golf!
The only sop to inclement weather that I might consider is a charcoal brazier. That would make sense. I could fire it up, keep it stoked with fallen branches or twigs and even grill burgers at the turn for my buddies. It’s well vented, as the smoke from the brazier would drift out from my open cart. But I’d have to make sure the wind is always “from left to right,” as Jim Nantz would say. Otherwise, smoke blowing into my face would cause bigger problems, specifically the other type of grilling, the one I’d get from the Lovely Miss Jean for coming home smelling like a roadhouse dive.
Even If I could endure the cold or windy conditions, I’d still have to deal with slogging my way around our saturated courses. I have enough problems chipping on dry grass, but my game really gets mired down when I’m forced to chip off mud. Don’t like it. Can’t do it. Even shots a bit further out demand protective glasses so the splash of the club through the muck doesn’t blind me. Maybe I should invest in a biker’s helmet with a strong eye shield. I couldn’t see the ball, but my game isn’t that finely tuned anyway.
Yes, I’m ready for dry, warm and grassy golf. Short sleeves, warm temperatures and divots that fly up behind my shot instead of what we have now. I feel like I am swinging an oar, trying to knock a cherry off the top of a bowl of vanilla pudding. That is soggy golf, my friend! And I’m sick of soggy golf! It’s time for spring.